One of the most misunderstood concepts among Christian men is the idea that they are supposed to be the leaders of their homes. In fact, it often creates friction because the wife wants her husband to be the spiritual leader, and the husband doesn’t know how or believes he isn’t doing a good job at it, which leads to frustration, shame and guilt. But the truth is, nowhere in scripture does it say that husbands are supposed to be the leaders. What the Bible teaches is that husbands are to be the head of their wives and, by extension, homes.
Let’s take a look at what scripture says.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Ephesians 5:22-23
These two verses establish three things. Wives are to submit to their husbands. Husbands are the head of the wife. Christ is the head of the church.
So, what is headship, and what does it look like?
Headship is identity based. It’s not skill based. The scripture doesn’t say, if you possess the ability, or can develop the skill, you are the head. It just says, you are head. Leadership, by contrast, is a developed skill and/or natural ability. So, when you said “I do”, you assumed a new part of your identity.
Continuing on, Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives [seek the highest good for her and surround her with a caring, unselfish love], just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. I emphasized two responsibilities of headship that have now been established. Love your wives. Loving your wife makes her feel secure. In fact, most women’s greatest fear is abandonment. The opposite of security. When they feel secure, they won’t have any problem submitting to you. What does love look like? For starters, actually saying the words, “I love you”, and reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 actually defines what love is (patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record, rejoices with truth, protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, never fails). Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. He gave himself up. How did he do that? Christ died for us. He sacrificed himself. Your responsibility as head is to love your wive and to die to yourself. Die to your wants and desires in favor of your wife’s needs.
What else did Jesus model as head of the church? Matthew 20:25-28, specifically verse 28, says just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
Jesus came to serve others, not to be served. He was Jesus, the Christ, the Son of God. If anyone could or should demand to be served, it would be him. Yet, he didn’t. He came and humbled himself, and served us. That is the next responsibility of the head. You serve your wife, and your family. And guess what; it was not always easy for Jesus. He served even though he faced rejection, opposition, and a lack of appreciation.
Husbands, your responsibility as head is to love your wife and children, sacrifice yourself for them, and to serve them. Even when it is hard and you are not appreciated. You love, you sacrifice, and you serve.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord
Now, let’s look specifically at the term submission. This is a term that carries a negative connotation with it, definitely in secular society, but even still within the Christian community as well. There’s a lot of opposition to the idea that the wife should submit to the husband.
So, what is submission and what should it look like? I like to look at a real world, practical, working example of the model of submission. That is in the military. The military consists of commanders and officers who are submitted to each other. A good solider submits to his commander. He doesn’t go off on his own and go full Rambo. That would not be a good solider. So, what are the benefits of submission in the military?
- Clear chain of command: Submission ensures that orders are effectively communicated and executed
- Unity: Submission fosters unity among soldiers, which is crucial for the success of any military operation
- Trust and teamwork: When soldiers submit to their leadership, it builds trust and enables teamwork, leading to better performance and mission success
- Protection: Submission to authority allows soldiers to receive protection from their leaders
These benefits translate to our marriages. Look at how your marriage can benefit from submission. There becomes clarity, unity, trust and teamwork, and protection for those submitted to you. Submission is a position of benefit for your wife and children.
Here’s a picture of what protection for those submitted looks like on the battlefield: If you look at the formation of a tank platoon, the commander is always leading out front. By leading from the front (acting as the head), the others are submitted to him. And that means, when they encounter the enemy, the commander is the first to take a direct hit. He takes the hits so that those submitted to him receive protection and advance the front.
In your marriage, in your family, as head, it’s your job to protect your family by being the first to take the hits. You shield and protect them from the fire of the enemy. The hits you take allow your wife and family to advance forward.
Maybe you’re beginning to see the weight and responsibility that comes with your identity as head. This is a God ordained, God given piece of your identity, purpose and mission as husband. It’s not a position in which you are to lord over your wife, and demand your family to serve you. Your job is to love, sacrifice, serve and protect, even when it’s hard, even when you don’t want to. And it all starts with love, because that’s really the only command God gave us as head. When we love our wives, when we love our children, they won’t have any problem submitting to us, because they will feel secure in your love and their place in the home.